“Newly married Orthodox couples may struggle with the stark contrast between sexual abstinence and the anticipation and expectation that sexual intercourse occurs immediately…”

Newly married Orthodox couples may struggle with the stark contrast between sexual abstinence and the anticipation and expectation that sexual intercourse occurs immediately after the wedding or shortly thereafter. The first “successful” act of intercourse, (which often occurs as process rather than as an isolated and defined event) marks a period of separation and the ‘fifty shades of grey’ area surrounding whether or not that was accomplished in one encounter may draw the couple into an anxious and exposing drama involving consultation with premarital instructors, rabbis and ritual examiners. For many young Orthodox couples who are used to being good at what they do, whether as youth group leaders, students or soldiers, feeling ’failure’ at what has become a mission to ‘accomplish’, is dissonant with their role identities and is accompanied with shame and frustration, emotions they may continue to experience throughout the marriage.

As couples move through the life cycle, goal orientation surrounding sex may focus on success as well: success in achieving climax, or a pregnancy, or a minimal weekly frequency. As sex becomes something to accomplish, rather than a place to connect and experience pleasure together, social or relationship pressure to engage in relations, different libidos or expectations regarding frequency, may contribute to the feeling of sex as a chore to check off the to-do list, and guilt by the partner who isn’t feeling ‘enough’ desire.

Talli Rosenbaum, “Sex, Judaism and Mindfulness”, The Times of Israel (19 February 2015) [http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/sex-judaism-and-mindfulness/]